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I had a blog all written for today, but I tossed it because I received some big news over the weekend and I want to talk about it.
My son is getting married!
I really like his intended. I am thrilled for them both. I think this is very cool.
Of course I immediately started thinking about the wedding. I know from my own that they are MAJOR PRODUCTIONS, and it has only gotten worse in the last ten to twenty years. So I began noodling around the web to see what is involved.
A day later I was still thrilled, but also scared to death. The best I can figure it out, even a modest wedding costs big bucks, and even a small wedding has a gazillion pieces to it. Whenever I thought I had a mental to-do list, I would discover yet one more thing that would be making someone frantic at some point in the next year. Linens, for example. It seems that often you have to rent them for the tables. Who knew?
So I stood back from it all, and looked for the good news within the good news. And here it is— I am the mother of the groom. In the olden days we didn’t do much at all. Nowadays we do more, but not nearly as much as the mother of the bride. For one thing, the bride gets to make all those decisions, and her mother gets to deal with the melt downs.
Still, I expect this to occupy much thought and discussion in the months to come. I have drawn up a little list to help me deal with all of it:
1) Keep my mouth shut unless I am asked for advice
2) Do not tell funny cat fight stories from Say Yes to the Bridesmaid Dress when my future DIL is present unless I am sure her experience went smoothly
3) Offer to foot the bill for more than families of the groom did in the olden days
4) Keep my mouth shut unless I am asked for advice
5) Criticize nothing
6) Repeat often the following “It will all work out in the end so don’t get upset about it”
7) Keep my mouth shut unless I am asked for advice.
8. Make it clear that I do not bake cookies and can’t help with the traditional cookie table that is required at weddings in this area. (Hundreds, homemade, in numerous varieties, to be taken away by guests in little boxes as their “favor.” It is a cool custom if I don’t have to bake any and just get to eat them.)
Now, about numbers 1, 4, and 7— I have already broken that rule. What can I say? I’m a control freak. But I have vowed not to break it in the future. I am just trusting that my advice will indeed be requested every now and then so I get to have some fun.
As for the gazillion details, things are just starting. Wish us all luck!
Are there any other rules you would advise I put on that list?
Does your area, family, or heritage have a distinct wedding tradition like we have the cookie table?
Since my wedding knowledge base is decades old, are there any new fandangled customs or surprises or “who would guess” details that you want to warn me about?
(I really like the style of the bridesmaid gowns up in that picture, but maybe not the color. Not that anyone is going to ask me for advice about that.)
What a great news. Congratulations!
I have one advice
Enjoy it all!! Really, it will al turn out wonderful
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:19 am.
I plan to enjoy it, and keep my cool through it all. We’ll see if I can pull off the latter goal
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:30 am.
Congrats to you all! What an exciting time.
I grew up in your area, so I know what you mean about the cookie tables. A lot of work! One thing I’ve noticed down here in the South–they’ve begun adopting a modified version of this. They set up a candy table instead, with a huge assortment of candies instead of cookies, and the guests pack a small container to take home with them. My guys are always hard on the Swedish fish area.
Just a suggestion you might want to make–if you are asked, of course!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 6:57 am.
Did you know there is a Wikipedia article about Pittsburgh’s cookie tables? Candy would be a good alternative because there is no baking. Families, as you know, bake for months to put out that table. I had never heard of it until I moved here, even though the article says it started as an Italian American custom and I am IA.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:32 am.
Here’s my advice: Keep my mouth shut unless I am asked for advice.
My father is a very talented wedding DJ and is ordained so he can perform the ceremony. Just tell me the date and I’ll book him
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 7:03 am.
Really? What an interesting job. I don’t suppose he lives in western PA. . . .
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:33 am.
Oh! If asked, suggest that speeches be kept to a minimum of people, and that no one drunk be allowed to talk (and especially not go on and on for many minutes while the guests cringe. We’ve been to a whole bunch of weddings recently (and will be going to many more this spring/summer, so I’ve seen this happen a whole lot.
Did you know not one bride has thrown a bouquet at any of them in the last 2 years!?
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 7:21 am.
Boy, that is good advice on the speeches! See, that is the kind of thing I would not think of until it was too late. As for throwing the bouquet, that and receiving lines and a whole bunch of other traditions are gone now, I guess. I wonder if there is a guide somewhere, or if the whole point is that there are not guidelines.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:36 am.
My dad has a whole questionaire he goes through with the couple to know if they want/don’t want the boutquet/garter toss (which is going the way of the Sony Walkman – thank God!), the Electric Slide/Chicken Dance, introducing parents/step parents.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 12:44 pm.
I’ve been to two weddings in the past couple of years, and at both of them they threw bouquets. Maybe it’s a Southern thing?
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm.
my sis was the Mother of the Groom last year, so I can tell you another thing you are responsible for- the rehearsal dinner. you don’t have to cook either, a reservation for the bridal party at a restaurant of your choice! done!
And yeah. don’t give advice unless asked.bite your lips if you have to. All brides , no matter how sweet, become Bridezilla at some point.
ok, brag coming!
My niece is a wedding photographer and they recently went to New Orlean’s ( flown all the way from here in Nova Scotia) to shoot a big fancy wedding.
go see her shots at
http://www.jeffcookephotography.ca/new-orleans-wedding/
the pics with the ‘jeff cooke’ in purple are hers.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 7:22 am.
Wow, she did a really good job with those pics. She must be very expensive.
I intend to use a restaurant for the rehearsal dinner for sure! No cooking for me.
I have heard a rumor that nowadays groom’s family also pays for the liquor. .. .?
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:40 am.
Congratualtion, Madeline!
I’m sorry I can’t offer you any advice as I’ve never been wedded – only got as far as choosing a bride’s gown and then having my boyfriend disappear out of my life.
But as a teacher with hopefully some insight into the human nature, I can share that my advice would be to follow your own mind, and not let others prescribe things to you. It’s up to you and your son and daughter-in-law to be to decide how this day is going to be.
Myself, I’d only buy the dress (a very simple one), go the the town hall to register and have a dinner with the close family. I don’t like family occasions, as I have bad experiences with it (my mother’s brothers and their family only came to see grandma for her money and it’s still thought that we got all of it, even if that is not true, since grandma lived with us).
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 7:36 am.
What a jerk that boyfriend must have been. Maybe better to know before the ceremony, I guess, but still. . ..
My father offered me the option of a very small family only wedding (and he would give us the $$ that would be spent on the reception.) I seriously considered it until my mother heard about it. Boy, was she mad at him!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:42 am.
Congratulations!! How exciting for you.
I’m out of date on weddings as well. I don’t know any of the new traditions. Although my godson is getting married this summer so maybe I’ll learn some.
Your rules look pretty good to me. That you even know you should keep your mouth shut is a step ahead of a lot of people.
My niece had a dessert table at her wedding where she and the bridesmaids made everything. It was amazing. I don’t know if that’s a tradition here but it should be.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 7:47 am.
I have heard that desert tables are getting popular. I did not know that they are homemade! Goodness, that may be more work than cookies, but I’ll bet it was yummy.
Yeah, I know to keep my mouth shut.Whether I do is a whole different story.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:44 am.
Congrats Madeline.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 7:53 am.
Thanks, Kelly!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:44 am.
Congrats Madeline! It is a very exciting time, enjoy every minute of it.
Where my reception was held they provided everything for the table, but the centre pieces. However, if you wanted linens that weren’t white, you needed to provide them.
As an engagemnt gift, someone gave me a wedding planner and I loved it. I was able to record everything in it and it gave a lot of helpful hints. It was my bible while I planned my wedding.
I don’t really have any advice, other then enjoy every minute because the day will go by so fast. Oh, and don’t use the words “Oh, that’s different.” I learned that it was never a good thing when my MIL used those words.
My cousin had an ice cream bar and it was a big hit with not just the kids, but the grown ups as well.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 8:33 am.
I am hoping my son and his intended find a place that includes half the gazillion of things in a package. I think piecing it all together is the path to madness.
I am going to see if I can find a wedding planner book to give them. That is a great idea.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:46 am.
Here’s my advice…Sangria is a lovely, cooling drink that can be assembled ahead of time and tastes best when it’s been left in the fridge for a period of time.
Practice this phrase:
“You know what would be perfect about now…a little Sangria”
or
“Well this does seem to be a little heated…you know what would cool this off? A little Sangria.”
And remember…like a bad case of chicken pox…this too will pass. And you’ll have a lovely DIL as a result.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 8:53 am.
Oh an remember, bringing a new member into the family takes at the very least…nine months, and the last few weeks are always the worst.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 8:54 am.
See, now you have given me a really good idea with the sangria. Or any punch. If an open bar can’t be afforded, that is one way to deal with having some “drinks” anyway. I am surprised that spiked punch is not more common at receptions. Even as an alternative, it would save money.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:49 am.
Congratulations, Madeline! My son got married last year, and I was amazed how much it cost for even a modest wedding in a wedding venue.
Since I had a hippie wedding almost thirty years ago, this is outside my expertise, but you can’t go wrong with the resolve to stay out of it unless you are asked.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 9:01 am.
Those of us who married in the hippie days are all a little stunned by the costs of the current extravaganzas, Barbara! I went to weddings back then that were really low cost, and even my more traditional one did not begin to resemble what I have been seeing when I am invited to them now.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:51 am.
#1, 4, & 7 are important, but so are #5 & #6 — they let you get away with slipping a little on the first three. Can’t bake cookies? Fine, but if the bride wants a cookie table, see #3 & offer to provide some from a gourmet bakery. See? That’s easy. Also, when the going gets really tough and the bride’s mom/aunt/best friends/anyone else makes here crazy, repeat what you said in your post — that you really like her and that you’re thrilled she’s joining the family. Somedays, that will be the very best gift you could give.
Good luck!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 9:05 am.
If I can buy cookies, I’m right there for them, LOL. And you are right that I need to say that to her, often.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:54 am.
CONGRATS!! This is so exciting! In the past 5 years I’ve been a bridesmaid in 13 weddings…the only thing I can say about tradition is there really isn’t any, anymore. It seems like weddings are now, literally an event that represents the personality of the couple. The service, the meal (or just appetizers), reception, favors…EVERYTHING is up for modification.
We’ve had weddings during the week, in the morning, at midnight, outside with a JP, in a church with a priest, in an upscale hotel with all the trimmings and in a barn sitting on hay-bales (this one was actually my favorite).
As far as advise….maybe just be patient why they figure out what they want to do? The other thing is, while it is very personal to the couple and their families….weddings are BIG business for the vendors/providers. Don’t be afraid to ask for incentives (ex: if you’re having it at a hotel…if I spend $xxxx.xx in food and beverage sales, can we get a couple of guest rooms complimentary). Also, don’t be afraid to price around.
Many times, even if you’re “small towning” it, there are certain providers that are the norm for all weddings. They’ll get you a price quickly–it shouldn’t take more than a few days to make your calls, gather your info, and compare apples to apples to get the ball rolling.
Set up a spreadsheet and track your expenses. Really, a wedding is similar to a business meeting with fancy clothes–it has many of the same componets. I have an expense template if you’d like it.
Good Luck!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 9:26 am.
OMG, you are incredible. Thanks for all the advice. And yes, I would love the template. Could you send it to MadelineHunter at gmail dot com?
I love learning that we can bargain with the vendors!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:04 am.
Congratulations to you and your family! What wonderful news. I think your list is very good, and believe your future dil will appreciate your efforts. If I were she, however, I might ask you for some advice regarding the the gowns as your books are often filled with beautiful, romantic and sexy gowns.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 9:38 am.
I would love to stick my two cents in with the gowns, but I suspect I will not be involved in that. Maybe that is best, since taste in things like that is very individualized. Still, I wouldn’t mind at least getting to play
I’d even promise to keep my mouth shut.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:05 am.
Well that is happy news.
Have fun, spend money, help the local economy.
Keep your mouth shut unless asked for advice…oh, but you know that already.
I’m sure it’ll be a great wedding.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:02 am.
I can see that you are a silver lining person, pointing out that we will be helping the local economy. That is a good way to look at it. I may do that part of it the way we pay taxes—DH writes the check and I sign them without looking at the amount (so I don’t faint.)
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:07 am.
Congrats on this wonderful event…
All you have to do is arrange the rehearsal party and buy a dress..
Oh and make sure your side of the family gives a bridal shower… I
Other than enjoy the moment. Look gorgeous when you are at all these events and walk into the church a proud mother of the groom…
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:32 am.
Hey, I had forgotten that I get to buy a great dress!! It has to be really, really nice too, right? This part is going to be fun.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:09 am.
My parents didn’t have to worry. I got married here in Orlando in my boss’s livingroom by a notary public. They sprung for snacks and a cake and there were no more than 20 people present.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:35 am.
I grew up in VA, and receptions like that were common. They would be at the site of the ceremony, and there would be finger food like little tea sandwiches and snacks—nothing elaborate or heavy because the cake was the focus. My father, as he faced marrying off 4 daughters, thought that type of wedding made a lot of sense.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:12 am.
Wonderful news, Madeline.
As my children get older, I’m thinking I’ll offer then 10 thousand dollars to run off to Vegas and get married. Saves me money and nerves.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:40 am.
That is pretty much what my father offered me. My mother made him rescind the offer, though.
Ten grand will get you off very easy.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:15 am.
Amen! As a wedding guest, I offer to double the value of the gift if they DON’T invite me. Same goes for showers.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 12:48 pm.
Congratulations to you and your son, Madeline! That’s very awesome news.
I have been in a handful of weddings and certainly attended several in the last few years. I have some good friends getting married this year as well. I agree with Haley – in my experience, it is less about tradition now and more about individuality. Weddings seem to be about celebrating the couple rather than celebrating wedding traditions, and everything is up for modification. To be fair, I do have a lot of quirky friends, but every wedding I have attended in the last few years has been fairly unique. My little brother and his wife were married at Disney World, which was amazing! Instead of cake, they had round scoops of chocolate mousse with chocolate ears that looked like little Mickey heads. The reception was at the aquarium in Epcot, so the wall was an aquarium and the divers inside started dancing to the chicken dance with everyone at the ceremony.
Anyway, probably the part where you don’t offer advice unless they ask for it is the safest bet… Not that I would be able to do that.
Aaah, I have missed the Goddess Blogs. I graduated college last Friday, then my birthday was Tuesday and I have been so busy with family/friend celebrations that I haven’t had any time for my favorite blog.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:41 am.
Congratulations on your graduation! That is such a huge rite of passage.
I am waiting to hear if they have any different ideas about all of this. If they want to do it in a state park,I’m game. I just want it to be what they want. (Chocolate mousse instead of cake sounds pretty good to me. I like mousse.)
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:31 am.
I wouldn’t say keep your mouth shut unless asked for advice. However, I would it’s only a good idea to voice things that are important to you. I got married in December. I never wanted a wedding or a wedding dress. My mother in law pointed out how important it was to her and I couldn’t say no. We lost my mother in law to cancer yesterday and all I can think is I’m so glad I was able to include her wishes in my wedding.
For me the big no no was suggestions for the gown. I didn’t take anyone to my fittings and ignored all the people telling me not to add black ribbons
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:54 am.
So sorry to hear about your loss!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 10:56 am.
Thank you Haley.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:37 am.
I am really sorry to hear about your loss, Archer. I think it was good of her to be honest with you too. If something really matters to me, I will open my mouth. (And I would never stick my nose into the choice of wedding gown. I can’t believe the shows where ten family members get to weigh in on that. It does not seem to me to be something that should be decided by a committee.)
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:34 am.
Thank you Madeline.
Congratulations to your son
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:43 am.
congrats to you and your family! just one bit of advice that happened to me 2 weeks before my wedding. dont let her get her tonsils out! lol i was freaking out not being able to help get everything ready but thank goodness my mom was there.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:02 am.
Oh,my! Surgery two weeks before the wedding! But now you have me thinking I will be worrying that someone breaks a foot or something. . .
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:35 am.
noooo thats not why i said that!!!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am.
You might want to get over to TheKnot which has all sorts of info for brides/grooms/etc. and google Bridezillas for laughs!
When you look at the money spent..I always wonder if it wouldn’t have been better to pay for a down payment on a house, pay off college debt, or something more in that vein. But I’m pretty middle class and had the wedding where the reception was punch & cake in the church basement… Gads, I am old! My favorite wedding attended was my sister’s.. married in a church w/only family with a reception in a Kentucky State Park that was catered by the local deli… having friends and having fun making memories… not how much money was spent, the 14 attendants [yes... I was at one where there was a cast of thousands], the trumpeter, the carriage ride….
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:07 am.
Thanks for the site rec. That will be really useful.
I remember so little of my wedding day that it could have been pretty much anywhere and anything in hindsight. It was all something of a blur. . . .But I do remember who was there.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:37 am.
Congrats! I wish you, and them, well. I haven’t even been to a wedding in years. I’m sorry to say that I can’t help much! Mine is coming up but it is simple. It consists of me, Other Half, and our best friend!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:07 am.
Congratulations to you! I’m sure you are excited. Have a great day!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:39 am.
Congratulations to your son!! And Good Luck!!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:11 am.
Thank you!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:39 am.
Congratulations. We can “enjoy” this together as I have had both of my sons get engaged in the last 3 weeks. Second one was this past weekend also. I am still trying to figure out how much responsibility the grooms family has without overstepping any bounds. Besides keep your mouth shut and wear beige (which is all I have heard so far…LOL) when is your wedding?
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:17 am.
They are aiming for next April or May. The bride wants to avoid a summer wedding because everyone swelters, which is true! So in about a year, which seems to be how long all this takes to get together. I gather that the location has to be booked (for ceremony and for reception) almost a year out in our area.
The who does what and who pays for what is more flexible these days. Sometimes the groom’s family picks up the tab for a few other things if they are willing to do so. As I posted above, I gather that it is not unusual for them to pay for the bar drinks (which can really get up there, depeding on the size of the wedding and the length of drink availability.) But see the earlier post about sangria, and my thought that a punch alternative could help there at least.
Two at once. . . Wow. I think I would by hyperventilating if I were you.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:44 am.
How wonderful for you. Congratulations, to you and best wishes to your son and his bride to be.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:20 am.
I thank you!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:46 am.
Congratulations!! Is this the first of your children to get married? Always such a fun event for the family. As for not being asked about dresses…have you seem Just say Yes to the Dress? Those brides bring everyone in to help pick, including MOGs.
When I was a kid, weddings were held in a church and followed by a cookie and punch reception in the church reception hall. When we migrated to south texas and discovered some people had really fun weddings with sit down dinners and booze, a whole new world of possibilities opened up to us. We have exploited that tradition at every turn.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:42 am.
This is the first for us. Yes, I watch that show a lot. I am amazed at all the buttinskis who make it hell for the bride. When I got married it was me, and mom who controlled the budget so she had to be there. Price had a lot to do with what she liked in dresses, LOL.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:49 am.
I appreciate your congrats!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:45 am.
Woo hoo, Madeline! Congratulations!! I have absolutely no wedding advice other than to tell them to relax and have fun.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:45 am.
I plan to try, Suzie!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:50 am.
First of all, congratulations to you and your family!
Second–how cool is that cookie table?? We don’t have anything like that, but it sounds like it would be fun for me and my family. We LOVE to bake stuff. And, there are diabetics in the hub’s family, and one with Celiac, so there are always cookies/desserts for everyone to enjoy.
What we have always done is a ‘dollar dance.’ The guests bring $1 (or whatever you want to give) to the reception. The bride and groom pick a song or two, and the guest stand in line and pay their money to the best man and maid/matron of honor, and get to dance for a couple of minutes. The money can go towards their spending money for the honeymoon, house payment, car payment, gas money, college, whatever they want. My neice and her hubby took in quite a haul. I danced with both of them, too.
It’s a lot of fun, and it gives the bride and groom a chance to interact with more of the guests at the wedding. Really it depends on the size of the affair though…they only had about 100 people at their wedding and many of them don’t dance, but did donate to the cause. 
The only other advice I can offer is to let your future DIL know that you are willing to listen. She will likely get peeved with her own mother sometimes and will need someone to vent to that would be objective. I know that has helped a lot of the ones in our family. My side of the family is usually pretty laid back and can go with the flow in decisions. The hub’s family, however….well, they offer opinions whether you want or need them, or not, and they are not the slightest be reserved about sharing them. The issue that I have with it is that they really can’t understand why anyone would get their feelings hurt or be offended…that wasn’t their intention, so it must be the other person’s problem.
Drives me bananas…
Good luck to them both on their new journey together.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:50 am.
Well, when I explained the dollar dance, I didn’t clarify–I was typing fast–LOL. You pay your money to the best man and maid/matron of honor, but you get to dance with the bride and groom.
They then compile all the money and the newlyweds take it with them when they leave the reception.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:53 am.
I like the dollar dance. That is an interesting custom and probably sure helps in setting up a household.
As an Italian American I am familiar with the old custom of giving money instead of a gift. You see it in The Godfather, and the bride carries a white silk sack (a “busta”) to put the envelopes in. After my wedding that busta sure came in handy!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:31 pm.
Congratulations on your future as a MIL. I’m one myself and I do all I can to walk on eggs for fear of alienating anyone. Some DIL’s are wonderful but don’t take it for granted that yours will be that way. It takes lots of time to really get to know one another. Until you both feel comfortable with one another, watch your Ps and Qs.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 12:19 pm.
I know what you mean. I worked hard at having a good relationship with my MIL. My guess is it is easier to have issues than to have it go well, LOL. While they dated I was sort of “out there” but I guess now, thinking long term, I will be more careful.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:33 pm.
Huzzah for 1, 4, & 7!!! They will take you far. Congratulations to your son and to you for your new daughter-to-be.
When my son married (almost seven years ago, now), lost doesn’t begin to describe me. Our future daughter came from a speck on the map and had been nowhere. We came from major cities and had traveled thanks to Hubble’s service time. Some of her families wedding customs threw me, but I followed 1, 4, & 7 (my mother’s advice to me), and rolled with it. Having my two daughters in the wedding, a tragedy just two months before that turned one child’s life upside down but effected all–even future daughter–made things really tough at times, but the kids figured things out while I bit my tongue (a lot) and cried often. So my only advice would be to give yourself permission to cry when necessary. That way, everybody lives and you stay sane. {{{Hugs}}}
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm.
family’s (sorry, but don’t want you rolling your eyes. We control-oriented don’t stop at things over which we actually have control, as a rule.)
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm.
I have yet to meet my son’s in-laws. We are planning a dinner in early June. I intend to like them
But I hear you, and 1, 4, and 7 will be my motto.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:36 pm.
Congratulations! How exciting for your family.
I haven’t been to a wedding in awhile because the last 4 or 5 have been out of state (I would have loved to have gone to the one at the Boston Aquarium!), but then they’ve all had local receptions – even if it’s the groom’s family. With the last 4 we’ve known the grooms. Since we live in a fairly affluent neighborhood, all of the receptions have been held at the parents’ homes. The last one the home is on the cliffs above the ocean, and we got to see the sunset over the ocean – just beautiful. All the receptions I’ve been to – catered buffets, music, and I haven’t seen a bouquet toss in ages. However, all of them have had reception lines, I think, because the brides have been from across the country.
I say just speak up on something that you think is important to you, but otherwise don’t worry too much. Don’t stress over the little things. It all works out in the end. Have fun – and pick out a fabulous dress.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm.
I haven’t seen a reception line in years, so it must be local custom now. It does sort of bother me not to say a few words to the bride if I don’t know her. I find that impolite on my part, even though it is not my doing.
Wow, the homes near you must be incredible from what you describe, and if they are big enough to host a reception. That would be neat, though, and if I had a home like that I guess I would be able to just hire all the help to do it too!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:39 pm.
It must be just this area because we’ve gone to friends’ weddings 15 miles away and no reception line. I think it’s kind of weird to not say hello and congratulations to the bride and groom.
If I owned one of these homes/properties, I’d be showing them, too.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 9:39 pm.
Congratulations to the Mother of the Groom! That’s such excellent news! My advice: Stay away from wedding magazines. You’ll get ideas, and it will make it more difficult for you to abide by rules 1, 4, and 7. It’s not your place to have ideas. It’s your place to tell your future DIL how much you love her ideas.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 1:55 pm.
Good advice! I plan to open NO wedding magazines this year. She probably shouldn’t either, huh? The gowns alone would mesmerize me, for sure.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm.
I haven’t been to any weddings in quite a while but I will be going to one this summer and I have NOTHING to do for it!!
Usually my sister and I end up catering a large portion of weddings we are involved in, with her doing the cake.
Both of my sons had unconventional weddings, youngest & his now ex jumped the broom before heading to City Hall. My oldest was married by a druid priest on Halloween, everyone came in costume. I made the clothes for the bride & groom.She wore a midnight blue velvet wench’s blouse with dark green velvet skirt & brocade bodice. He wore the McKenzie plaid kilt with pirate shirt. They still have their clothes and wear them to events.They actually got married twice, here in Oregon and two weeks later on the Naval base in Delaware, they wore the same clothes for both weddings.
About the only traditional things we do is have the big blowout reception after, and we keep all sloshed people away from microphones.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 1:58 pm.
I think future DIL has a relative who caters. Maybe that is how she will do it in the end. It does leave a lot of leeway on what is served.
Your sons’ weddings sound fun. I like the Druid one in particular. I’ll bet that was something to see.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm.
It was probably my favorite wedding I have ever attended.They are still as much in love today as they were then, plus they made me a Nana!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:46 pm.
Sorry, I have nothing to offer except congratulations.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm.
And I appreciate them!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm.
Congrats! That is SO exciting!
I think you have a great list, and already understand what your role is, lol… I have to say mine was a lot and could be stressful at times. I never had a meltdown, but I had the support of my family and my soon-to-be family. I think that’s the most important part, just being there for support. And to maybe take her out to lunch and a pedicure once and while and let her vent all over you. Good luck!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm.
Oooo, that is a good idea—a spa day with her. I think I will do that when things are getting to be a hassle for her.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 3:45 pm.
Sounds like you are lucky enough to like the mother of your future grandchildren. I lucked-out there as well.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 4:07 pm.
Congratulations!!! What a fun time for you. I hope all the planning goes smoothly, so smoothly that you don’t even know what’s going on until you arrive at the wedding.
The only advice I have is advice that few want to follow: Don’t spend much money on a wedding. But I wouldn’t say a thing unless asked!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 4:29 pm.
I agree. I think that they have decided that they will not take on a lot of debt for this, which is a relief. It would be easy to dig a very big hole on one of these shindigs.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 5:22 pm.
I have been IN several weddings and been TO many others, the latest my nephews last September. My advice is actually for whomever books the location of the reception: make sure that it is not overbooked!! I attended a cousins wedding at a hotel that included a space to hold the reception. Unfortunately, the hotel had overbooked on that day and so every bridal party was limited to 2 hours from start to finish, including the vows, the meals and the dancing. We were no sooner finished with our salad before our main course was shoved beneath our noses. Meanwhile, as we were eating, the bride and groom were having their first dance, and then the bride was dancing with her father. There was very little time for any other dancing after that, no time for celebretory speeches and guests were given a tiny slice of the wedding cake as they were ushered out of the hall by the staff that came in to clean and call a halt to the festivities. I have NEVER been to such a rushed and helter skelter wedding in my life. I really felt horrible for my niece who tried to enjoy herself but couldn’t even get to talk to all of her guests before being unceremoniously tossed out of her own venue by the powers that be. So that is my MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE!! Make sure that the venue is not overbooked on the day of the reception!!!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 5:30 pm.
Sorry, that was my cousin that I felt horrible for. My niece was a guest, my cousin was the bride.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm.
Holy awful! Who could think it was even remotely decent to overbook anything like that. Well, I guess I do know the type, and they do the same sort of things for airline flights in order to make $ no matter what… but I get grumpy and want to hit them with pointy things when confronted with their behavior.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 9:04 pm.
Yay! Congratulations! That’s very exciting news! I haven’t got much in the way of advice for the mother-of-the-groom other than to let them know to relax and have fun!
My husband and I go married nearly 6 years ago and only spent $7,000 on our entire wedding (dress and rings included). Like you said, there are lots of things involved when planning a wedding, but I got one of those wedding planning books that gives you checklists for what you’ll need to do/buy and when you’ll need to do it. It made the process easier for me. We also had the luxury of having people in the family that helped. My husband’s uncle is a photographer, so we got that for free. My brother-in-law filmed the wedding, I got my wedding dress off-the-rack at a place that was going out of business, and we got my husband’s wedding ring at a consignment jewelry store. We got married in a rose garden at the local park, and had the reception in their recently renovated hall, the total rental for ceremony and reception location was $600. It was beautiful, but inexpensive. My aunt made the bouquets, boutonnieres, and corsages with roses we got at Costco, and I made the centre pieces and other decorations myself.
My best advice would be to enjoy every minute.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 6:24 pm.
Oh! And I forgot to mention our traditions…
We always throw the bouquet, and do a garter toss. The garter is the fun part… the groom has to pull it off with his teeth (and only his teeth) with hands behind his back.
As I have both my birth father, and a step-dad, I had a long ‘father-daughter’ dance and let them switch off in the middle. We also did a ‘mother-son’ dance for my husband and his mom. This all happens after the ‘first dance’.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 6:29 pm.
Congratulations, Madeline!!! How very exciting for you! And how nice that you like whom he’s marrying. That’s kind of important. *G*
I would reiterate the advice that ladydawgfan gave–be careful with the venue for both the wedding and the reception. Hubby and I wanted to have our reception at this college hang-out/restaurant that had a sound system (he didn’t want a DJ–he wanted cassette tapes that would have all our favorite songs on them). We contracted with them … and then the restaurant closed. They were still able to cater the reception, but we had to have it in this big impersonal office building (which they provided), so no sound system and we got a DJ … who proceeded to play exactly the kind of music Hubby didn’t want.
Then my niece’s church wedding took place before some other evening event, and they had to rush people out a bit, too, and hurry to clean up everything before the event.
So yeah, pick the venue carefully. Of course, if you’re not giving advice, I don’t know if you can say that.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm.
P.S. I’ve never heard of the cookie table thing or even the candy table thing. How cool!
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 6:27 pm.
My advice: Don’t do anything LAST MINUTE. I’m attending a wedding tomorrow, and I’m a cousin to the groom. The groom’s mother/my aunt suggested a runner, and so it fell to her to get that done. I ended up making a suggestion, and now I’m in charge of getting that runner on the pews. That said, I’m annoyed on the chapel rules that included “no taping, no stapling, no nothing to ruin the pew” kind of rule. So today I had to finalize what to do with that runner and still fix it tomorrow, one hour before the wedding.
My cousin appeased his mother’s/my aunt’s culture by incorporating the veil and cord that is part of the ceremony.
I don’t know any other new “rules/customs” that are part of the wedding etiquette since the ones being observed are enough for me.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 8:38 pm.
First off, Congratulations!
Looks like you’ve got some good rules. Though calm thought-out advice that sounds like a suggestion rather than an order, and is given when people are not already stressed out (or is very helpful when they are) usually goes over just fine.
We didn’t have any particular traditions other than the usual, garter toss, bouquet toss, silly dances, etc. The dessert table sounds lovely.. I sort of had something a very wee bit like that as I wanted cheesecake for my wedding cake. However, I was informed some family would protest if there were no regular cake so we got both – despite my protesting that it was my wedding and they could get over it or skip dessert for one meal (with many profound thanks to my awesome auntie who is an amazing baker and saved us a bundle giving us the gorgeous cakes).
The main new thing I’ve seen is that the wedding can be whatever you want, you can theme it like your favorite movie, etc.
Ways to save money.. you can make lovely centerpieces from items bought at the dollar store. Candy makes great favors and is as cheap/pricey as you want it to be. Fake flowers can be put together nicely as far in advance as you want and won’t wilt, otherwise, find locally in-season flowers to save $.
Posted on May 10, 2012 at 8:57 pm.