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My friend had just expounded upon her concern for her son and his fiancée. My friend felt that it would help the young couple if they lived together for a period of time before marrying
I asked, “Help them what?”
“Decide if their marriage is going to work,” she answered.
My response was a blunt, “That won’t tell them.”
“You don’t think if they live together they will have a better understanding of each other before marrying?”
“No.”
First, my disclaimer: I have nothing against couples living together. I have good friends who have been happily living together for years. BUT, I don’t believe living together is a sign of whether or not a marriage will work. I’ve also known couples who have cohabitated for what seems like forever decide to marry and divorce soon afterwards. And, of course, there are couples who lived together for ages, marry, and are still happily married.
However the “living together” wasn’t the reason the relationship worked. Knowing a partner’s spending habits or toothpaste squeezing peculiarities are all characteristics that can be discerned before marriage. If we think about it, we usually are aware of annoyances—although we may not properly realize what deal breakers they will be five years from now.
And love comes in all shapes and sizes. What makes me fawn over a lover might make you scream. I have a friend who hated that her husband chewed his food with his mouth open. Listening to her, you’d think they have never shared one meal before they married. By the way, my friend and her husband are still together. I only knew my husband for a month before agreeing to marry, and we had a great twenty-five years, undisclosed peculiarities and all.
So what kept us not only together but helped our relationships thrive?
Commitment.
Which is also the answer I gave to my friend’s question.
Look, even the best, best partnership can go up in smoke if both people are not equally committed to making it work. It is also true there are “dead” marriages still going because neither person is committed enough to ending it, but that is a whole different blog.
Won’t living together prove commitment? For some people. But for others, the ones who definitely want to marry, no, I don’t see it as an indication. Love doesn’t come without risks. And commitment isn’t meaningful until it has been tested. Even by a spouse who eats with his mouth open.
Of course, every relationship it different. I could listen to seven couples talk about how they met in high school, and each story would be unique. And I’m not the only one with an idea about what is important to a marriage. What are your thoughts? Do you think I was on track with my answer? Or would you have answered my friend’s question differently? And what promises have you and your love made to keep the bonds between you strong?
I’ll give away three sets of LYON’S BRIDE and THE SCOTTISH WITCH, one to each of three lucky commenters from today’s post!
P.S. from the Goddesses: Since this is our anniversary week, EVERY COMMENT MADE TODAY will also be entered to win in the drawing for our GRAND PRIZES – a $200 bookstore gift card, and two $100 bookstore gift cards! SO COMMENT, COMMENT, COMMENT! (Contest is open to international entries, but we reserve the right to substitute a $10 gift card)
212 Comments on “Staying Together”
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I probably wouldn’t have made a response. It’s best sometimes to just leave it to those directly involved to work things out.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:57 am.
Wise you are, Mary! My advice didn’t go over well. (Will I ever learn????)
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:30 am.
I agree with Mary. I think it´s okay to listen but they themselves know best what they expect out of their marriage and how it is at the moment.
Any response you give can backfire.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:04 am.
Hi Cathy and welcome to TGB. Personally, I would have said communication in conjunction with commitment. I have had quite a few relationships fail because I haven’t been able to communicate my needs with my partner and my partner hasn’t been willing to commit to making the relationship work. My current partner, Gamer Dude, is not only committed to making to helping me make our relationship work but also isn’t scared to communicate his needs and listens to my needs. He also picks up on my emotions even when I don’t have the words.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:44 am.
The question of living together is a hard one. First, I believe that you really have to know a person before marrying them, which requires a lot if time spent together. And this may involve living under one roof. But, and this is a major but, I would never stay in a relationship if I had lived with a man for more than a year and he still wouldn’t have proposed. It means I certainly don’t believe in plain living together for years and years as alternative to marriage. If you love someone well enough to spend a great part of your life with them, why not acknowledge it officially and take all responsibilities that come with the package. Otherwise it just looks like keeping your options open to leave freely any time some other more appealing prospect comes along. And that I think is disrespectful and demeaning. Of course, all this is strictly my humble opinion. I don’t mean to judge anyone, just speak for myself and what I would or wouldn’t do with my life.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:40 am.
I would have probably said it’s none of my business and none of hers as well. It’s not up to her to decide the parameters of how her son and fiancee should decide their compatibility and ultimately their marriage beit through long term cohabitation or locking themselves in a room for 24 hrs. Whatever the case, it’s up to those in it to decide how well they want to know each other and by which method. Ultimately it always comes down to how the two in the relationship choose to act within the bounds of their relationship.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:58 am.
So, true, Ada. My husband and I had a priest refuse to marry us because we’d only been together a month. Little did he know how stubborn we were . . .
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:31 am.
My mom & dad almost didn’t get married because a of priest. He’d asked her to marry him after 6 weeks and she’d agreed. However they had to go thru premarital counseling because he wasn’t Catholic. The priest convinced my mom their marriage was a bad idea and she called it off. A few weeks later she was missing him so much she called him and they got back together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:46 pm.
And she knew then it was for real! Sometimes it is good to be tested.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:38 pm.
I think it’s not a good idea to get involved in anyone else’s relationship, everyone is different and from the outside you don’t see everything. So my response would be: do not interfer.
For me it was important to live for a time together before marrying, we lived together for over a year before marrying, as do/ did most of my friends. I think you get to know someone better, if you have to deal on a day to day basis with them.
But to everyone what is best for them, and you can never be sure if it works out and hve to invest into a relationship.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 6:06 am.
Hmmm, I don’t think I have quite enough experience to give a completely accurate answer, but you’re definitely onto something about commitment being the underlying issue. However I would probably still think it good for them to try living together, because it’s still a step in their relationship somewhat separate from marriage, and because living together’s hard right? So maybe it’s good to test that before deciding to get legally married.
Anyway interesting post! And thanks for the giveaway! I’d love to enter if it’s international
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 6:27 am.
I would have said let them live together. It can’t hurt to find out if there is a deal breaker somewhere in their spending habits or cover hogging. It’s not necessary but it can’t hurt.
My husband and I went through a good portion of our hard times before we got married. We knew we were committed no matter what. We even broke up for close to a year but couldn’t stop loving the other person. We’ve been married 12 years now and lived together for 5. It was a more intimate thing than just dating. We have (without coming out and saying it) promised to always discuss big decisions, support each other’s dreams, and talk problems through in a rational manner. Oh, and love each other through anything.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:10 am.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Welcome Cathy. What an interesting topic for today. I don’t think it matters if a couple live together. Life is change and either a couple learn and grow together or they grow apart. Only time will tell.
After 32 years of marriage all I can say for sure is that I still smile when he walks in a room. I think this might be love.
Enjoy your day.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:25 am.
kez, that is so sweet.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:56 am.
Love it! I always smiled around my husband, too. In fact, today, a man walked into the gym who looked about the same age as Kevin would have been right now and had many of Kev’s features. I had to do a double take–and then I smiled because it was a nice treat on St. Val’s Day.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:49 pm.
Carol L
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:07 pm.
I think you are right about commitment being the most important factor in a relationship. I also think having mutual goals and values is very important. Both people need to be moving in the same direction when it comes to the big stuff in life. One thing I have seen ruin relationships is when one partner suddenly makes a huge Change and the other is unwilling to go in that same direction.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:40 am.
I tend to be of the mind set that it is their lives, their business, ultimately it comes down to their decision. Great post.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:42 am.
Your answer was very wise. I struggle to watch my friends who are married to guys who proposed due to an ultimatum delivered in a fight. That’s not really a good basis for a lifelong commitment as evidence years later observing their unhappy marriages. On that upbeat note, happy Valentines Day!
Welcome back to TGB, Cathy!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:18 am.
Thanks for the welcome, Fresechelle! It is always good to be here.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:33 am.
We’ve been married for 44 years. We dated for two years and never lived together first. I think commitment is the key. Now what people are forgetting about living together is neither one has any legal rights. We know a couple who lived together. He was in a terrible accident and she had no legal rights about any of his care because they weren’t married. His family had the rights. He was in ICU and she couldn’t even visit him because of hospital rules.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:20 am.
I think you must be committed to making the relationship work. DH & I have been married 17 years and we are committed to making our marriage a good one. Yes, he makes me crazy and yes, I’m pretty sure there are things I do to drive him nuts, too. But we overlook those things and concentrate on loving each other. I can not imagine my life without him.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:31 am.
Hi, Cathy. Thanks for being here today and Happy V day.
I definitely think you’re on the right track with your answer. My husband and I lived together, but we were already engaged and from the moment we moved in together we were committed to each other. Nothing changed once the big day was over. How we started is how we are still–27 years later
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:32 am.
I lived with my DH longer than most marriages last before getting engaged. I think it all has to do with how well the people know each other. I worry about people who get married, but can’t answer basic questions about each others values and can’t anticipate their reactions to different situations. My advice tends to just be to make sure you know the other person very well, and trust them with everything. If you don’t, that’s a recipe for an unhappy life.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:35 am.
Well I know of a couple that lived together before they got married. Their relationship is still going strong despite them married to each other now. I think its going to be one of those relationships that’ll be for a lengthy time period. Just my guess. Oh well.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:41 am.
My first marriage ended in divorce. I did not live with my ex-husband before we were married. I lived with my second husband for a year before we were married and, twenty-one years later, we’re still together. Did living together make the difference? No, I don’t think so. But I do think it gave us a more realistic perspective of our relationship. We all know that we walk around with stars in our eyes when we meet the person we feel is “the One”. I think seeing that we both put our pants on one leg at a time helped to pull reality in and to see that we could live with each other foibles.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:57 am.
Hi Cathy! I agree that commitment is an essential ingredient in a happy and successful relationship, whether within or outside of marriage. I’d add communication, trust and friendship to that list as well. While love and lust are very important, it’s equally important to like your partner!
After a twenty-five year marriage to my late dh, including five years as his full-time caregiver, I can say with certainty that if you’re not committed to the relationship, you likely won’t make it through the tough times that are sure to occur in any lifetime.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:07 am.
So true, PJ. Marriage isn’t all roses, but I believe a good one is the very best of ourselves.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:58 am.
Interesting topic. My DH and I lived together for a short period of time before we got married. We were committed, young, and poor so it made financial sense for us to share expenses. With the way his parents acted, you would think the world was going to come to an end. I would tell your friend to leave it. If they do get married, and work through their issues, then she will have that DIL for a long time. It is best to not have the drama of MIL judgement hanging over your head for years as a newly wed. If this couple does break up, then I would advise the friend to be there for her son and again, not be judgmental. Navigating the world of in-laws is hard enough when everyone plays nice, but having people butt into your business, while trying to figure out your relationship when it is new, is just added stress. DH and I have been married for 13 years. Last month, I had in-law drama. Still. I don’t think my in-law drama will ever go away, and I want to tell everyone to not be the cause of MIL drama. Because it sucks. I think your friend should heed the words of Marge Simpson: “….be supportive, yet noncommittal….”
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:17 am.
I love that Marge Simpson advice, Amanda–especially since I’m a mil! It is true what everyone is saying about staying out of a couple’s decision. And I believe that. I make my own choices and live my life as I see fit. I consider it a matter of respect to let my kids have their choices. (Do you realize my children are heehawing over what I just wrote? I might not want to step outside or I could be struck by lightning!!!)
Truly, I am a good mil. Really.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:36 am.
Welcome back to Mt. Olly Cathy!
I don’t know that I would’ve made a commitment either way to that conversation. I did not live with DH before we got married (that was a HUGE No No to my parents), of course, both of my younger sisters lived and/or currently live with their significant others before marriage. Go figure on that double standard right???? But I digress
While yes, you learn so much when you live with a person, it is not necessary to do so. If you are committed to the relationship and have all the tools to make it work, I think you will. On the flip side, I’ve seen so many marriages fall apart even after the initial living together thing, that it is sad. Not saying that DH and I have a perfect marriage, FAR from it actually. We do except each others faults and are still committed to keeping it together after 11 years.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:23 am.
I agree with what you said. Living together will not determine if a marriage will work unless there is some serious issue with one of them. You said it much better than I could have. Promises between my husband and I? Uhm. I can’t say that we really had any until we had the kids (9 + yrs into the marriage). I made him promise that I would still get “me” time and be able pursue any dream (in this case running and now triathlon) since I would (am) a SAHM. This was a deal breaker on the kid issue since I knew being a SAHM and not having an outlet would be detrimental to me as well as us as a couple. So far it has worked well as we just celebrated our 17th in January.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:26 am.
I love the idea, Jen, of making promises to each other. A good thing to consider or renew on St. Valentine’s Day, no?
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:37 am.
I agree, really not the best idea on getting involved in someone else’s relationship. It usually comes back to bite you. Ok to give ideas about how to make it better if asked, like listen to each other, do nice little things for ea other.
I like the idea of renewing on Val Day.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:41 am.
My husband & I lived together a few months before we were married and things were fine (still together after 30 years) but each couple is different. Both my sisters married & divorced and hadn’t lived together prior to marriage. Let each couple decide for themselves!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:47 am.
Your answer of commitment was right on spot! What may work for one couple, won’t necessarily work for another. If she was thinking of advising her son and his fiance and just wanted validation to do so, I’d tell her to keep out of it.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:02 am.
I can only speak for myself. I moved in with my husband a month & a half after our first date; we were both in our forties when we met, I had suffered through a divorce. I would have never done that when I was younger. Rich is such a sweet & genuine person, I think somewhere inside me I knew I’d be a fool if I didn’t make that leap of faith. Five months later, even though we knew that we were committed to each other & in love, we started talking about getting married. We got married exactly a year & a half after our first date; I always say that marrying Rich is the best decision I ever made; that was almost five & a half years ago. I think you have to genuinely like the other person & you both have to make a conscious effort to make your relationship work.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:03 am.
I believe people underrate “likeabiity.” I love that characteristic in a man. Kindness is another hot button for me.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:51 pm.
Cathy – Love your comment about wanting to marry after knowing each other a month. I am sure your conversation with the priest and your stubborn determination to find someone who would marry you was like your own romance novel. Many of the best stories are those where the couple know each other for a short time and beat the odds to be together. Too bad you didn’t have your own Gretna Green! I know you loved each other, but how did your parents’ views play into that scenario? Were they supportive of your desire to marry soon?
What advice did they give you? To them, it was probably almost like a quick “live together” type of situation.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:07 am.
Looney Tune, my parents were so relieved that one of their four daughters was FINALLY getting married, they weren’t about to put up a fuss.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:53 pm.
I think it’s all about commitment too. I lived with my husband for 3 months before we married – but from the day he proposed we both talked about our life together forever – and that we had to remember during the challenges that we would fight FOR each other. You were brave to give advice – don’t worry if it’s accepted or not – you have the right to your opinion!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:11 am.
Cathy, Happy Valentine’s Day and a big welcome to Mt. Oly! We are so happy to have you here.
There are all kinds of commitment, I have learned. I think it’s important to commit to yourself, too, and protecting and nourishing the soul. Sometimes, that gets lost when committing to someone else.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:18 am.
Amen! If you lose yourself, the relationship was never a valid one in the first place–it was a one-sided one.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:32 am.
It’s about commitment.
I am not married nor will I ever be.
I have seen some marriages fail because of lack of commitment and many thrive because of commitment.
I don’t know if I could or would give advice so props to you for doing so.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:19 am.
So happy you’re here! And I love this blog.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:21 am.
Good advice, Cathy! There is no statistical evidence that living together prior to marriage increases the odds. In fact, last I heard, the reverse was true.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:27 am.
Hi Cathy!! Welcome!
Personally, I think commitment is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to a strong relationship. You have to have mutual trust and respect, as well. The hub and I actually got married when we were really young, and this year we’ll celebrate our 24th anniversary in June. It definitely has NOT all been champagne and roses, but it hasn’t all been brambles and rat’s nests either.
We both realize we aren’t perfect, but we work well together and balance each other out. We are actually going to learn about each other again because both of our kids are grown and almost out of the house… We will have to see what we like to go and do, places we want to see and all that, now that we don’t have the kiddos to cater to. 
We have basically promised to have our own singular things that we enjoy doing with our own friends, and then find new things/places to enjoy together.
We actually lived together for a bit before we got married, but I’m not sure if that would really give you a good idea of what folks are really like. My daughter and her hub went through some of that…when they were dating, they were both on their best behavior, and even when they moved in together before they got married, they still were somewhat. It was AFTER they got married that they both let their true personalities emerge and they both had to adjust to each other all over again. Then, he got out of the Army, then they had our little Munchkin Girl (aka my granddaughter), and had to move in with us because it took a while for him to find a job. They are finally able to get a place of their own and are moving out next week, and that will be another test on their relationship–the two of them with their daughter, and without the hub and me to help.
It takes work to make a strong relationship, and the work never really stops, but you have to believe that the relationship (and the person you’re in it with) is worth it.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:29 am.
Ah, yes, the best behavior factor . . . It has burned many a person when he or she found out what their newly married partner is REALLY like! (BTW, I am proud to say I have a son at Texas Tech. He may never leave that state.)
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:55 pm.
I agree. It totally depends on the people involved. Isn’t it amazing that now we just assume people will live together before marriage to see if they will make it.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:29 am.
living together may or may not make a difference, as you said, everyone & every couple is different. sounds to me like the parent doesn’t think the marriage will work for some reason (a normal concern for a parent) but it’s the 2 planning to marry that can best determine if living together can work or not for them before the wedding (if they need to “test” or not). I do agree that one thing that helps hold a relationship together through good & bad as well as strains of time is committment, & again only the parties involved know how they feel.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:31 am.
Unless one or both members of the couple asked me and I knew them well I would never generalize about how anyone should organize their romantic living arrangements.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:50 am.
Is that Centreville, VA, Amy?
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:40 pm.
Welcome Cathy!
I hate being asked to give relationship advice, it is a no win situation. I think everyone one has a different opinion about the living together before marriage idea, but I do agree that the fundementals of the relationship must be strong whether you live together or not. Commitment, communication and compromise are 3 big ones in making it work.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:53 am.
I agree if you don’t have that committment to each other as well as the marriage. People just give up and move on way to easily.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:57 am.
Cathy, as the Brits would say, (about your advice) – “It was Spot On!” Now, whether I would have said it or not is a comment for a different blog.
Now, back to my own marriage (33 years and counting). Commitment is the key. Agreeing to “stick it out” regardless of what comes along (illness, job loss, infertility, etc). Someone who has your back and is also a safe harbor.
On the 3rd date, way before we even considered marriage I told him my opinion on the subject:
“Divorce – Never. Murder – Maybe.”
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:02 am.
And he returned for a fourth date! You found a keeper, Martha.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:56 pm.
If you live together, you dont have the commitment, Tammy is correct.
And it is best to stay out of giving advice; it usually comes back to bite you.
gmapeony@yahoo.com
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:03 am.
L Ike. The answers it’s differrent for everyone
happy v/day all whoo
great prizes thanks
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:13 am.
I believe that there are a lot of people out there who partner up or marry with the idea that if things don’t work out, they can always leave or get a divorce. I also believe that you can be with someone for years and not know them nearly as well as you thought you did. My point is that a lot of people mistake lust for love and find out down the road that the two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. If you are each other’s soul mates, nothing that the other person can do can irritate you enough that you will leave. You will support each other through thick and thin and deal with the other person’s quirks and foibles because you both have to WORK at a partnership in order to make it last.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:20 am.
I think so too. Commitment is important!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:27 am.
I must admit I have mixed feelings about the subject. It truly depends on those directly involved. I lived with my husband before we married, and although many disapproved it was the only way that we really got to know one another. I cannot say that we have always had good times, but we have been together for 20 years and have weathered a few heartbreaks along the way. The death of our son in 2003 seemed to strengthen us whereas it would’ve broken some others apart. There are so many variables involved in whether a marriage is going to work or not. There is truly no way of honestly knowing.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:42 am.
Amen, Sandy. There isn’t a one size fits all.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:57 pm.
i have been married for almost 32 years and we lived together for 3 years before that. We had “friends” saying our marriage probably wouldn’t last. HA Fooled them.
What was most surprising was my mom who I dreaded telling that he moved in with me. She told me sometimes it’s good to try on the shoe before you buy it. Not what I expected from my 67 old mother.
I think if you know each other well (past the point of trying to impress each other) things will work out. We are all on our best behavior when we start dating and the longer the relationship lasts the more comfortable we become and our little “habits” come out.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:44 am.
Commitment is the most important ingredient. Your advice was great.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:53 am.
Pearl, I shall direct my children to your post. They don’t always think my advice is great. It is good to have it in writing!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:58 pm.
You were wise and said the proper thing. But so many don’t listen anyway. Marrying is not for the faint of heart.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:55 am.
No, it isn’t, Anne. But it can be a grand adventure!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:16 pm.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
I think a relationship last depends on people involve. You just never know.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:58 am.
Welcome, Cathy!
Interesting blog! I’m not quite sure I have an answer to any of your questions. Commitment? Yes. Patience? Yes. Give and take? Yes. Communication? Yes. But that is just my opinion. My parents have been married 51 yrs., and I honestly don’t know how they’ve done it. I scratch my head because at times it seems they should’ve been divorced years and years ago. My mother has the patience of a saint!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:00 pm.
I agree with you – and with Mary! You either decide you’re going to get married or you don’t. What good is “trying someone on for size”? I did live with my husband for a year before we married, but we were already engaged at that point. I will say it was VERY difficult, but don’t all couples have to work out how to deal with stress their first year of marriage/living together? And I probably will keep Mary’s comment in mind for the future. I’m not sure I could offer a tactful response!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:02 pm.
I have been married for 37yrs. A bit of paper is not the important thing. The commitment and respect is. I do think if you are going to have children then marriage is the way because it will make a difference to them. I THINK. If you love each other and want to make a family why wouldn’t you marry.
p.winmill@hotmail.com
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:04 pm.
You are so right, Petula, it is not the paper. Some people–and I suspect men more than women, but I could be wrong–think of marriage as an item on a checklist for growing up.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:01 pm.
I like your response, Cathy. Commitment is very important. And as some have pointed out here so is friendship, communication,trust, being supportive and learning to compromise. My daughter will be married a year next month and they lived together for 9 months leading up to the wedding. DH and I did not live together, my Mom never would have gone for it. DH was resistant to the kids’ plan, but only grumbled to me. They were college graduates and old enough to make their own decisions.
My advice to my daughter was what I learned in our 29+ years of marriage. Marriage and partnership are not 50-50. There are going to be days where he gets 90 and you get 10 and that is ok because there will be a day when you get and need more. Don’t keep score, just trust that each of you will get what you need when you need it.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:12 pm.
commitment and communication and being considerate is the key
lovesthemets@yahoo.com
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:14 pm.
well my husband and i have been married 21 years this august and there have and will be ups and downs we work together to make that happen we never go to bed mad we stay up and fight it out until we are fine again because he is my best friend
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:18 pm.
All true, because in the end, it comes down to the couple and how they deal with life and life with each other. If they live together and get it before, they will make it through married life. If they don’t get it and just see living together as a party, they probably will look at married life as one lifelong wedding reception. It isn’t the act of living together (or not living together) that does anything, it’s the people involved.
Lois
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:22 pm.
I really agreed with your assessment. I had never planned to live together before getting married, but that was how things worked out and luckily have worked out wonderfully. However, I knew before he moved in after 5 months together that I was committed to making things work regardless. My mom was not terribly thrilled with this prospect for obvious reasons, but he was just as committed. With every bump in the road (and believe me there have been plenty), we just work on it until it works for both of us and above all still love each other and want to make things work. Commitment is the key. I think a lot of younger kids these days (granted I’m only 27 but quite the old soul) have a hard time with marriage and it’s twin commitment because they have become so used to instant gratification. Any relationship is difficult at times and if it’s not it probably hasn’t been all that great. A real relationship takes time, commitment, laughter or humor, and love. It doesn’t mean you like each other everyday or that there are not bad days, weeks, or months, but you remain committed to the relationship and to each other as people. My husband jokes a lot about being the captain of the ship and my being the first mate, but in the end he always makes sure I feel like his equal and understands that life would be harder, less fun, and less loving without me. I feel the same way.
If this couple has already made the commitment to each other, living together will only point out roommate differences not whether or not they will be able to make things work long term. My husband has been the best roommate I have ever have and that is not to see that he doesn’t have annoying idiosyncrasies that drive me up the wall. In the end though I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. That is commitment.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:24 pm.
Glad to see you here, Cathy! Hope you found the Goddess’s stash of chocolate and wine!
Don’t really think there’s a right or wrong answer to this question.
Just my 2¢, but IMO, the deciding factor of whether or not a marriage will last is based on mutual respect for one another. Love wanes and reignites but once all respect is lost, it can’t be regained. I kinda feel like love and hate are the opposite sides of the same coin and every new day brings a coin toss. You better be able to look at your mate at the end of the day and think, this is the best person I know, even though they’ve annoyed the living crap outa’ me today.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm.
NITTY!!!! Good to “see” you. I hope to see Anne Elizabeth next week.
And good advice. Sailors know how to annoy the crap out of anyone. I sure did!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:59 pm.
Hmm. I don’t think living together will make a marriage more likely to last. Marriage definitely takes commitment, but I think you need to be able to grow with the other person. Or accept the changes in your spouse as they grow. I have been known to give advice to my nephew a time or two
but after he broke up with someone I thought was wrong for him. I told him that it helps in marriage if you have some activity you both like to do. If it’s listening to music or gardening or tennis, just something. That way if other things are changing at least you still have something in common.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:26 pm.
I think you were right with your answer. But it could not hurt the couple to live together before marriage. Some people (when they’re dating) make sure that their house is spotless before their partner comes over… this could lead to the partner not knowing that their soon-to-be spouse is a slob. But if they lived together, the truth would come out eventually.
But I agree with you, that every relationship needs commitment for it to work. My husband has always been the best about that with fights. There have been times in our relationship (at the beginning) where I was so fed up I could have left… but my husband refused to allow me to walk out when we had not discussed things first. Of course, after things had been discussed, we worked through all our difficulties… and are in a stronger relationship for it.
Our goal is to not go to bed angry. If one is left the time to stew over their anger, it’ll only grow resentment. We always discuss issues before we go to bed. Also, we’ve agreed that no matter how busy we are with our work and children, we will ALWAYS make time to give each other at least one hug and one kiss per day.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:27 pm.
I think each couple has to decide what they will feel comfortable with knowing before they make the commitment to spend the rest of their life with one person. For some couples this may mean living together on a daily basis. For others, they would prefer to save that new level of intimacy for after marriage. I’ve known couples who got married without ever talking about if they both wanted children or if they had debt or other things they were working through. I think each individual needs to decide what they feel comfortable with knowing and what their level of commitment is. For me, I wanted to live with my boyfriend before marriage. I had also lived with 2 prior boyfriends and realized that marriage would not work with them. I vowed not to live with a boyfriend again before marriage, but I met a guy who changed all that and I decided to give it another chance. 6 years later and we are very happily married. I also talked about money and family planning and what my future dreams were. That was necessary to make me feel comfortable. But my parents were engaged and married within months without any of that talk and they are still happily married 38 years later, so I think it depends greatly on the individual.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:28 pm.
I think it is up to the couple to decide what makes up their commitment to each other. We are all individuals and what works for one set doesn’t work for another.
Thanks for the fun this week.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:28 pm.
Commitment and communication are essential in any loving relationship.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:28 pm.
Definitely on track!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:30 pm.
I’m probably not one to chime in as I lived with my ex before we got married.. then got married.. then divorced. But I had an inkling things were probably not going to work out in the long run even before walking down the aisle.. so I am of the school of really paying attention to your inner warning bells when they chime. I didn’t and well.. yeah.
I think being real friends is key. Someone who you can have an argument with and still adore is someone that you can spend the rest of your life with.
Welcome to Mt Oly, Cathy!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:41 pm.
oh, I want to add one.. take a trip together before marriage. A road trip, plane trip.. something that puts you and your SO in unfamiliar surroundings where things can go wrong and you are out of your comfort zone. I think if two people can get through a week or two together like that without hating each other, it helps.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:07 pm.
I completely agree with you! When someone is out of their comfort zone and into the unknown, it’s easy to see what they’re really like. Good suggestion!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:32 pm.
You’re right. I think that being friends is key. If you can’t confide in, share things with, or laugh at yourselves with your significant other, then you’re in trouble.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:33 pm.
Moving in together takes a huge commitment as well. I wonder if that commitment makes it difficult to say no once the ball starts rolling towards a wedding. It is work to move.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:22 pm.
I think you were totally on track with your answer, Cathy. My husband and I have been married for 46 years so I feel like pretty much of an expert on it. If I could choose one word to keep in mind for a successful marriage, it would be communication. Couples have to talk to one another all the time and listen to each other too. Genuine kindness and compassion and a conscience are also parts of a person that makes a good mate. I have seen first hand how some couples get so involved in their children’s activities or their jobs and then, one day when the children leave home, they look at one another and say, “Who are you?” That’s just sad. My advice is if there are difficulties when you are dating, don’t think that living together or marriage will solve them. They won’t. They just get larger. Talk openly with each other and if you cannot resolve something even through discussion or true give and take, then move on.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:42 pm.
My hubby and I have been married for 42 years (in May) and I think what has provided the glue that bonds us so tightly is the hard times we’ve helped one another through. He lost his pancreas to cancer in 2003, and is alive and cancer-free, but lots of health problems keep us on our toes. We lost our third child, a daughter married only 2 months, almost 2 years ago.
The good times wouldn’t be so good without the memory of hanging together through the seemingly impossible times.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:47 pm.
I’m with you.. Being able to communicate is key, but also is the skill of knowing what’s is important to both of you.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:57 pm.
I have to say that I’m very old fashioned about people living together without marriage and would have said something. I do drop it after saying something once but I have to state to the people that are doing it that I don’t think it’s right. Part of the reason my husband and I are together as long as we have been through some pretty tough times is we are best friends as well as being passionate about each other. Nothing like being able to laugh about the same stuff as well as having that one specific hug be the end all to be all. We’ve been married 23 yrs and together 26. He tells me I’m his reason and I have to agree that he is what keeps me going.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:57 pm.
I think your response was a good one. I don’t think that living together is the answer to getting to know one another. I am intrigued by what keeps couples together, or splits them apart. Often the relationships that seem to be the sure things, are not! And the ones that seem they could never, ever work, do!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:58 pm.
Great to have you here, Cathy!
I do happen to believe in living together, at least for a short while. I think it does help to know what you’re getting into. It’s hard to know that if you’re always in “dating” mode. I suppose the same thing can be accomplished by spending weekends together or whatever, but I think it helps to go into marriage with as much knowledge about your partner as you can get.
With that said, commitment is also key. You have to be committed to a relationship.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 12:59 pm.
Communication and a deep commitment are key to a successful relationship.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:00 pm.
Commitment is definitely the key to a good marriage. And living together guarantees nothing. For some people it is the perfect way to ascertain compatibility and for others it wouldn’t make a difference at all. I think it probably depends on the people involved and only they can make that decisions. But statistics have proven that living together has done little to nothing to lower the divorce rate.
So many of my younger coworkers talk about getting promotions and putting aside money “in case it doesn’t work out” as soon as they get engaged. While I believe in being prepared, getting married with one foot out the door is not commitment and puts your marriage on shaky ground from the start.
My Mom wrote to a young Airman she had never met because he was stationed in Germany with two of her brothers, saw her photo, thought she was pretty and asked her brothers’ permission to write to her. They wrote to each other for a year, sometimes several letters a week. When he shipped home he bought an engagement ring and wedding band in Germany, a set of silverware in England (engraved with her first and last initial LJ and his last initial B). Now remember he had never met her in person. He rode from New Jersey to Alabama on a bus. He met her on May 4th. They had one date. He married her on May 11th. They were married for 40 years when my Dad died. I never saw them fight (although I am sure they did.) I never saw my Dad treat my Mom with anything other than love and respect. They laughed a lot. They danced in the kitchen. My mother was not always an easy person to live with. I asked my Dad once how he managed to never get mad at her. He said “Sometimes I love her a little, and sometimes I love her a lot, and sometimes it is hard to love her at all. When those times come, I remember what it is to love her a lot and pretty soon those times come around again.”
Commitment. My parents were in it for the long haul. And my Mom misses him every day.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:05 pm.
What a lovely story. They probably learned more about each other through those letter than they would have over fifty dates and seven years of living together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:05 pm.
True — I know people who have lived together and married and are now divorced, and those who lived together and are still happily married. You have to want to be together and commit to it…
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:10 pm.
I was raised that you don’t live together before marriage. But I definitely can see how it has its points.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:12 pm.
My daughter and I were having a conversation about marriages and she was talking about a couple that she thought wouldn’t stay together. I told her my belief that nobody but the two people in the relationship know what will happen. The rest of us are just outsiders.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:13 pm.
Isn’t that the truth!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:06 pm.
Hi Cathy, welcome to our Mt. I tried it both ways, marriage first and marriage later, neither worked out well for me. Although I am still technically married to #2, we have been separated longer than we lived together including the nearly four years before going to Vegas to get married. Today is his birthday, I will probably call to wish him well.
I don’t think it matters whether or not you “check” it out before you get married, you either are willing to work at it everyday all day or you are not. I threw in the towel when I discovered he wanted to be able to share himself with others, I will share my books, my clothes (some of them), my recipes, my good will; I don’t share my bed, that’s my stopping place.
My oldest son has a rather unique relationship; he is deeply in love with two wonderful women who love him just as deeply. They are best friends and they co-parent the children. It is not something that would work for me but it does for them and they all work on their relationships to make sure they continue to work.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:13 pm.
I believe that living together before marriage can be helpful, but its not the only indicator of a happy marriage. I agree that both parties have to be willing to work at it each and every day. The biggest thing to remember is that you cannot change your partner to the ideal man or woman you have. Love means accepting your partner warts and all.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:15 pm.
Commitment AND communication are do important. I have been married 21+ years and you have to be committed to make it work
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:24 pm.
Louisa is so right. Commitment is the key. The day I got married my dad told my grandmother my marriage wouldn’t last a year. That was 22 years ago and my husband and I are still together. Now that’s not to say things haven’t been rough at times, but I think we have made it because 1.) We were both too stubborn to give up, 2.)We truly love and respect each other, and 3.)We laid some ground rules on our first date for how we wanted to be treated and what was allowed and what was not. Coming from abusive family backgrounds for both of us determined that our household would not be the same.
To this day, he still makes me smile when i think about him during the middle of the day. I get a kiss every day when he walks in the door. We talk about everything.(Sometimes the conversations are very loud and overheated.) He’s my best friend, my heart and (I believe)my soul mate.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:26 pm.
Stubbornness can take a couple a long way! I know. (And so can forgiveness.)
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:08 pm.
Im not married or in a relationship so i dont think i would be good to ask for advice about how to make a marriage work.But i would imagine that commitment and a little bit of sacrifice to make the other happy would be important and you can do those things without trial living together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:29 pm.
This is a topic hot in my family now,We have a couple who got married after a few weeks of knowing each other and have married and divorced 3 times now,and shes not even 30!..My hubby and I lived together for a short while before marriage and dated for 3 years before we got married,we will be celebrating 25 yrs in June…now I agree,the thing thats held us together is commitment,and respect. We do these two continuously,while the sibling to my hubby cant to either…And I’m from a broken home,so I really dont think that is a defining point either.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:37 pm.
You have defied all the sociologists, Angie! Good for you.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:34 pm.
Commitment is absolutely necessary. I would add communication, though. If there is no communication a relationship cannot thrive.
Living together isn’t really something that holds a relationship together, but it is an indicator of the problems you might face. My mom is a pastor and with her marriage counseling sessions she does suggest living together for a period before being married. It’s like rooming with your best friend from high school in college. There are complications you might not have anticipated.
AquarianDancer at gmail dot com
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:39 pm.
Hey, Cathy!!
I think you’re totally right. Living together as a “test” doesn’t work, because it’s a test. It’s not a forever commitment, which would be the only way to know if a couple is totally committed. One of those catch-22 things. *g*
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:42 pm.
And the devil is in the details, isn’t it, Suzy?
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:41 pm.
I would agree with you that living together doesn’t mean that a marriage will work. I would have given the same answer with a little bit more about how I see marriage.
My husband very early in our marriage determinedly set aside time for just the two of us every day. I was divorced with three children when we met. After dinner every night we sit and talk with each other. Whenever the children (now at the number 6)try to interrupt they are told this is mom and dad time, please wait. We usually take about a half hour. Sometimes we go for a walk but mostly we just sit in the living room and chat. This has been a wonderful commitment for each of us. Thanks for asking.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:45 pm.
I agree with you, Cathy!! I don’t think living together is a good idea. It is too easy to separate for the least little problem if you are just roommates. Whereas, if a couple is married, there is more incentive to compromise.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:50 pm.
What can one person ever figure out about love? There are so many factors, and it all depends on how things work out. If you believe in parallel dimensions, who knows – maybe in one world they’re together, in another world they broke up, or in a third world all they have time to love (and eat) is bacon.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:54 pm.
So, Beth, do you believe we are fated to meet the ones we love? That they are placed in our path for a reason? Even the ones who we must leave?
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:24 pm.
You are so right. Living together won’t help people decide if they are still going to want to be together 10 or 20 years from now. You need to now the person your marrying and their dedication to seeing things to the end and you can do all that by dating and not lying to yourself about the person you’re marrying!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 1:55 pm.
Trust, knowing your instincts and commitment are important and values that are rare.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:06 pm.
Great post but there are more questions that answers to this dilemma. Individuals sometimes grow apart and cannot enjoy what they have together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:07 pm.
Some couples aren’t meant to be together until death. My cousin said her wedding vow should be, “Until death we part or five years, whichever comes first.”
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:09 pm.
I think you are right, commitment is the word for the day!!
I dated my hubby for 4 years, we lived together for 4 and then got married, and it was SO MUCH BETTER being married. There was MORE commitment and just a ‘sweetness’ that seemed to be missing before. Something just clicked for us and nothing at the house was different, it was just us.
I think you answered just fine!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:08 pm.
I agree that commitment is key to making a marriage work. I also think that circumstances can cause you to no longer be committed to a marriage. I am in the process of divorce after 18 years of marriage. I found myself losing respect for my spouse about the time that our oldest child hit middle school age. As each of our 3 children hit middle school age, he began treating them like adults. This involved extremely critical and sometimes offensive language. I brought it to his attention repeatedly that he was alienating his children, but was told that he was just being honest. The more I disapproved, the more impatient and ill tempered he became. My oldest daughter ended up having to receive full day treatment at a mental hospital for severe anxiety and depression, for 4 days, her senior year of high school. For almost 5 years, I held on to what had become a “dead marriage,” until a particularly ugly episode between he and I last summer caused me to call the police on him and then file for divorce. Hindsight being best, I am wishing I did not need that final incident to realize the marriage was over.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:09 pm.
I think moving in before marriage is a bad idea… I of course did it with my husband. It took 7 years and 3 children before he finally thought it was a good idea to actually get married. Now 10 years, and 5 children later we are happy..well as happy as non- sleeping people can be! Marriage isn’t a car, you can’t test drive it!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:09 pm.
You are absolutely right. Living together is no guarantee of anything or people wouldn’t divorce after 20 or 30 years. Understanding, love, committment and patience are important.
We have been married for 43 yrs and got married 3 months after meeting..probably a dumb thing to do but it seemed right at the time and it has worked for us.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm.
My first visit to this blog…What a great introduction to the Goddess Blog!!!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm.
Marriages should last but we all change through difficult times and it is trying that most don’t have the strength to continue to persevere.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:12 pm.
Agree with you completely.
As to the advisability of expressing your thought, you spoke to a friend and not to the couple directly. The latter I would not have advised but it’s to be assumed a friend (who isn’t just venting) wants a candid opinion.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:13 pm.
I agree with what you said, living together and being married are 2 seperate issues, that’s like babysitting to see if you want to have kids. But I probably would have said the same to her as you did- I’m opinionated and can’t keep my mouth shut and would have gone on and on.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:32 pm.
I think you had a good response. Most of my friends have lived with their spouse before marriage and are happily married. I’ve had other friends live with someone and seriously consider getting married, but then end the relationship. Cohabiting before marriage isn’t a guarantee of a happy marriage, but it seems very common today.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:39 pm.
I agree with your answer. I have a degree in Sociology and know for a fact Co-habitation leads to a higher rate of divorce. If people live together before marriage and they fight they are more inclined to feel they have an out rather then sticking it out and working on their issues. And this mentality stays with them even after marriage. I’ve been with my now husband since I was 15 years old. We got married after I graduated college, literally 2 months after. I refused to live in the house we bought together a month prior to our wedding for this exact reason. We have now been together for 7 years and have never thought about divorcing or calling it quits. It’s better to go into somethings with rose tinted glasses in my opinion.
My husband and I have never gone to bed angry at each other and that rules makes you look at what is really the issue and talk about it with out it festering. We too are committed to our relationship and are willing to work it out.
I totally agree with your statements to your friend.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:43 pm.
I have always thought that living together would not make sense for me. If I am going to put up with accommodating another person the way you do when you live together, it would be a major commitment, in which case I would just marry him. Others may see it differently
I know lots of couples who do,including some relatives.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:56 pm.
I don’t have a significant other so I can’t give any advice about that. However, my parents will celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary tomorrow, so they must be doing something right!! They do still have their spats and drive each other nuts sometimes, but they still love each other and you can tell by looking at them.
Having gone through life basically invisible to the opposite sex (one of God’s cruel practical jokes), I live vicariously through those who have love in their lives like my parents and siblings.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:56 pm.
Lady Dawg, being footloose and fancy free is a good thing as well. Congrats on your parents’ milestone!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:11 pm.
Looks like you’ve started an interesting conversation! As it turns out, I’m in your camp. Nothing against those who choose to live together prior to marriage, but I’ve not seen that it’s the magic solution to determining if a marriage will work.
Happy Valentines Day.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 2:58 pm.
Commitment is a keyingredient, but both also need flexibility. By living together a couple might find that one is not flexible enough to keep the commitment to the other.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:00 pm.
Commitment is important, as it communication. I’d like to think that my hubby and I were together so long because we had committed to ourselves, our family and kept the communication lines open. We met at work, married within 5 months (big Catholic wedding). Once my mother said that we wouldn’t last 6 months. She was angry and I can’t remember why. Anyway, we lasted a little longer than 6 months! We were married for 43 yrs, 7 months and 21 day before he passed away. The last two years were trying. I wrote a blog about my experience. It stopped the day after he died. So I guess we had a long term commitment and our communication was okay. Love seeing you here on this blog Cathy. Thanks for the opportunity to write this.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:18 pm.
I don’t know if living together will tell you if you can stand being married, but if you have any doubts, then maybe. But if you have that many doubts, maybe you shouldn’t even try? Wow, that sounds more cynical than it did in my head….
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:27 pm.
I agree that commitment is needed to keep love going strong. Once the first bloom of passion has faded, you needed to want to be together or the relationship will fall apart. My husband and I have been together for 49 years and even now we have to make sure we are committed to our love.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:29 pm.
Hi Kathy!
I loved your friend’s question about what keeps a couple together and what makes a relationship be successful!
I knew my husband a little longer than you and we got married 9 months after we met but many of those months were spent apart because at the time he was in the Navy during Vietnam and was often deployed and this year we celebrated our 43rd Anniversary.
I’m always amazed when friends, many who are divorced, ask how we managed to stay married so long and I think it comes down to always talking thinks out, understanding that we are going to disagree, agreeing on what important not only as a couple but as a family, stepping up and sharing the responsibilities of being not only a couple but as a family, agreeing to disagree, and always putting the need of others before your own. We were both raised in families that had their problems which made us both realize the importance of what being a family meant. We raised our sons to be self-sufficient and realizing that no matter how bad they thought they had it that many others had less. My husband taught them that when Mom had to work he was there to be a father and not a babysitter and made a commitment to be not only a great and faithful husband but also a father in every sense of the word.
We learned while he was serving in the Navy from the beginning that life is too short to be angry over things that can’t be changed and to work together for the best future we could have.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:32 pm.
I always felt my husband’s easy going nature had a great deal to do with the success of our marriage.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:35 pm.
I think you’re on target, Cathy. Marriages work when couples decide they are going to make them work. (I’m not including marriages broken up by violence, of course.) But it does seem that many relationships are broken up quite easily, too easily, I believe. Thanks for visiting today. Happy Valentine’s Day, all.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:50 pm.
I think it is different for every couple and each one needs to figure out on their own if the commitment is real. No matter how much time they spend together before marriage, there will be things that happen that will cause conflict. Hopefully, they will always be able to work through it.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 3:55 pm.
Welcome to Mt. Oly!
I think it boils down to, you can’t go into a relationship, expecting to bail if it doesn’t work out the way you expect or want it to work out. If you do, you already failed before you started because you’re not committed. If you’re committed, you’re going to communicate.
My dh and I have been together for 21 years this month. We started dating our second semester of our freshman year of college. We’re celebrating our 18th anniversary this year. We never lived together. It has not been easy, especially during the time he felt like he had to be responsible for his dad, who was taking care of my mil who had Early Onset Alzheimers. Until I set some boundaries, we were heading for divorce. Even the long hours of his job and me parenting our 2 children by myself most of the time, isn’t as bad as that time. I’ve no problem telling him where he stands with me. He’s so much more tolerant of me than I am of him. I think it’s because I’m the one who sets the boundaries for our relationship. He won’t if I don’t. It works for us.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:06 pm.
I agree with your response. BTW, your book All Things Beautiful is one of my favorite books ever.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:07 pm.
Thank you, JCP.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:36 pm.
Welcome Cathy, love your books!
I’m not against couples living together before getting married. I do feel that the decision to move it together should be made because they are considering a more permanent commitment and not because it is more convenient.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:09 pm.
Thanks for the compliment, Amy. I appreciate it. And, I agree with you. Moving takes energy. Nothing is more INconveniet than having to move out.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:42 pm.
Happy Valentine’s day!!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:11 pm.
Happy St. V’s Day to you, Gerri!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:36 pm.
that’s a good answer
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 4:56 pm.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Cathy. I usually steer clear from giving relationship advice. I think for some living together before marriage might really help them learn more about each other.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:14 pm.
I agree – committment and perserverance! and love
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:21 pm.
Hi Cathy! With the way the world is now you have to make a commitment and mean it. Otherwise it’s way too easy to stop working on a relationship.
I’m eagerly awaiting THE DEVIL’S HEART. May can’t get here soon enough for me.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:35 pm.
Marcy, I hope you LOVE THE DEVIL’S HEART!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:44 pm.
I do believe in marriage. Like you I don’t think living together prior to getting married will tell if couple will stay married.
I was barely married 10 years, 2 of which was going through a divorce. I have no intentions of ever marrying again. Left up to me, I would stay in my home, he would stay in his and we would have visiting rights to each others home. I don’t want someone living with me as I am use to living alone. I hope that doesn’t sound heartless, but going through a divorce for 2 years did me in.
Best wishes to all who are still married, plan to tie the knot soon.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:52 pm.
I can understand your feelings, Ginger. I do like my own space.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:37 pm.
Hi Cathy!
You’re right…living together cannot prpove a marriage will work. My husband and I lived together for 12 years until we got married. We are still married and this year will be 40 years together. And yeah, peculiarities are still there that make us both want to scream
Karen Harvey
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 5:57 pm.
And someday you will recall those peculiarities with much love. I know!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:35 pm.
I’m leaving the advice up to you, Ms. Maxwell. That is what you believe about cohabitation and I respect that. I actually think it depends on the situation, the couple, etc. etc. There are too many variables to give a concrete answer, be they positive and/or negative. That said, it could go either way.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 6:20 pm.
I agree with your answer. I think you need commitment and be willing to WORK at a relationship. My husband and I both try to work at our marriage, and not take each other for granted. I love your books Cathy!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 6:32 pm.
Thank you, Mabel!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:43 pm.
My hubby and I only lived together while we saved up for our wedding because our parents had no money to give to help out. I wanted a small wedding but hubby wanted a big one and we lived and saved for 2 1/2 years to afford the wedding he wanted. But I told him when we were dating that I don’t PLAY house. We will be engaged or he can have his own address.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 6:46 pm.
You are so right with your thoughts. There is more to a marriage that just doesn’t come out while living together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 6:57 pm.
I think that everyone is different,there are no two people who marry for the same reasons. Some people can know right away that they have met the person that they will love the rest of their life, while others take years to realize that they have found that special someone. It all depends on the person, and no one should judge those who get married really fast or those who take years to marry.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:26 pm.
I agree you need commitment. There are going to be difficult times and you have to work together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:31 pm.
I completely agree with you. Commitment is the make or break in a marriage. A really good marriage is so much more than that, but I can pretty well predict if a marriage will last listening to them talk for a while. I will never forget an interview with Drew Barrymore about her upcoming marriage and I already knew it was doomed before they walked down the aisle.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:34 pm.
Oh no! Is Drew split already???
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:38 pm.
Nope, she is still with her husband. I just had to check!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 7:43 pm.
I agree that it is not necessary to live together first. Although both people should learn about spending and bill paying first for sure. Commitment I agree is most important but I do not think that a lot of people realize what that really means. It is dealing with the negative feelings we will all have at various times and putting things into perspective. Letting things slide that are really not important and communicating our feelings when it is important. It is working hard to make the marriage work. I will be celebrating my 30 anniversary in one month and my 50 birthday in the same month. What a great celebration that will be. Cynthia
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:00 pm.
Great milestones, Cynthia!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:38 pm.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Great question as every relationship
is different.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:15 pm.
Cathy I agree with the word commitment. Also respect. Without those two I think everyone will find some sort of problem in the relationship.My late husband and I were almost opposites of one another but we sort of balanced each other out. We also gave in to a few things because of how strong our commitment to each other was. Everyone is different but I really believe you have to have that commitment and respect to get a great head start. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Carol L.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:15 pm.
I am a fan of marriage. I lived with my now husband for a few months, but we wanted kids and for us that meant marriage. I love being married and if we were going to have kids we needed the commitment. After all kids are a commitment for life and if you can’t commit to marriage to one man why would you tie yourself to him with a child.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:24 pm.
I agree that living together is not a true test, but I’m not sure if there are any true tests. People change as they grow and sometimes they grow apart for whatever reasons. It takes two people who are very dedicated to the relationship/marriage to make it work and they need to want the same things out of life in the end so they can grow together.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:28 pm.
Very insightful, Kelly, about why some couples grow together and some grow apart.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:39 pm.
Your answer was right on track..My husband and I said that we would always tell each other everything to each other even if it was small or big..
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:31 pm.
hey, i’m pretty young and engaged myself. i was raised strict, the whole cant live together before your married thing. i decided to move in with my boyfriend (at the time) anyway. there was a great opportunity on a house but he couldn’t afford the payment alone (it would have been extremely tight.) He proposed a year later and i’m waiting until i finish nursing school before i get married. my parents got over it (because he asked my dad’s permission first) and we still live together. living together before marriage is becoming more and more popular for my generation and i fully believe it has more to do with money or escaping overbearing parents than wanting to test the waters before marriage. you can always learn the habits you like or don’t like without living together. i don’t think you should force them to live together first, it has to be a decision they come to on their own.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:34 pm.
My husband and I lived together 1st because he had kids from a previous marriage and we felt that I needed to get used to living with kids. We were married a year later and things have been great!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 8:47 pm.
I don’t think living together before you’re married will necessarily tell if you’re in it for the long haul, so I do think your comment was accurate. It may teach you some of their annoying habits, but if annoying habits will drive you away, you may not be ready for long-term because everyone has them whether you know about them or no.
My sweetie and I have promised we’re in it for the long-term, we will work things out, and we will bring up what’s bothering us rather than let it fester. There won’t be expectations of mind-reading, and there will be forgiveness of any screw-ups on either side. Also there will be lots of love and fun!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:02 pm.
Commitment, compromise, communication and picking your battles – what is important to you and will your significant other see that.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:22 pm.
You were not out of line. My husband lived together for a year & a half before we married. We knew we were right for each other within 4 months of dating. He wanted to wait to make sure our love would last. I was ready to say our “I dos.” People who met us thought we were married & we seldom told them differently. It is now 32 years later & we are still in love with each other. My younger daughter lived with her now husband of 8 months for almost 5 years of their 6 years together. They were like my husband & I. Like you I have seen couples live together, marry & divorce shortly afterwards. I have seen couples who did live together who were married for eons and others who didn’t make it. It’s either right or not & living together beforehand will not be the indicator.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:48 pm.
I totally agree. Living together ahead of time is not a good indicator of whether a marriage will work. Once a couple becomes married, the dynamic changes, even if neither thinks it will
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:51 pm.
Well I thought I really knew my husband but this past year has proved me wrong. We had some real rough patches went to marriage counseling after being married for 26 years. Really threw me for a loop. I don’t think living together first would be a good indicator we all change our likes dislikes we have to focus on the relationship and make it a priority.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 9:54 pm.
If we are going to grow as individuals, there will be some changes. Thanks for your comment, Beth. It is so true that we all change.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:41 pm.
You know, I– You know what, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut
Really, that’s just the best thing for me, haha 
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:19 pm.
I’m not sure I know the answer but somehow my partner and I have lived together for 33+ years now. We didn’t plan to have kids and I was married before so it just hasn’t been a priority for me. Some days, I don’t know if it means we’re committed or should be committed. But he got me red roses for Valentine’s Day and chocolate and it looks like we might make it another year.
On the other hand, I was married before for 10 years after living together 18 months so I agree that living together by itself is proof of nothing really.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:21 pm.
OMG! I just realized I totally gave away how old I am! Obviously, my math was off and you should cut those numbers in half! Plus I was a child bride (literally since Pennsylvania required a woman under 21 to get her parent’s consent and the form was titled “Permission for the marriage of a child.” I was only 3 weeks away from 21 but it is cool to be able to say I was a child bride. So, really, I’m just not that old (is it working–yeah, I didn’t think so).
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:26 pm.
Don’t worry, Karen. You are in good company–for being a child bride, that is!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:36 pm.
Cathy, I concur with your opinions on commitment and living together v. marriage. I think both take work on the part of both partners (whether gay or straight)and a desire to stay together no matter what, even after that giddy “in love” feeling gets substituted with affection and loyalty. And, by the way, I love historical romances that take place in Scotland!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:40 pm.
Well, I hope you win and love my books, Janice. Thank you for your comment. Affection and loyalty are very important feelings. BTW, most men value loyalty over love. Interesting, hmmm?
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:42 pm.
I’ve been loving this discussion today. Super great comments. Thank you!
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:43 pm.
I agree with you. A relationship works because you want it to work and there is effort put forth by the couple. Living together might help you get used to sometimes daily habits but that’s not what ultimately decides whether a relationship is going to work.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:45 pm.
I think you’re right about commitment being the important part.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:54 pm.
Living together prior to marriage isn’t a gurantee for a successful union. It all depends on how committed the couple are and if they’re willing to work things out rather than walk away.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 10:55 pm.
I wouldn’t say that I’m qualified to give anyone advice on making a relationship work never having been in one before. It’s sad to see how many couples seem to rush into marriage without realizing the commitment it takes from both to making it work & last.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:01 pm.
There is no correct answer to this . Every couple is different. My husband and i have been together since we where in high school . Everyone told us that marriages between high school sweet hearts never last and gave 1 yr to 3 at the max. He and I will celebrate are 14th aniversary in Sept. We did live together for 4 months prior to the weding. Its not realy about what you do prior to the vows its about the devotion to each other afterwards. Then agian some couple are just ment to be . I feal i was 1 of the lucky few to truly find the man i was ment to be with.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:07 pm.
When i married my grannys advice to me was the best i ever heard. She said that a marriage was like building a house… the day you say your vows , is the day you pour your foundation. You spend the rest of your lives building .Storms , wind , rain and some times just pure hail will come to beat at your door. Yet as long as you stay together, stay honest,stay strong and stay true your home will one day grow into a manchion. Your are never done building till death do you part. She lived to be 96 years old and was married for over 50 years before cancer took grandpa away . Granny didnt have more than a 3 rd grade education, yet a wiser woman I never meet.
Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:37 pm.
You are absolutely right! Commitment is one of the most important things in any relationship. And living together doesn’t necessarily indicate how things will be when you’re married. I live with my husband for nearly a year before we were married. We have 3 bathrooms in our house (with 4 daughters, it’s a very good thing.) When we lived together, my hubby showered, shaved and brushed his teeth in our basement bathroom/laundry room. As soon as we were married, he moved his toothbrush to the master bathroom and has not used the basement bathroom since. I asked him why, and he did not even realize he’d made the change. Apparently our toothbrushes could not share the same cabinet before we said our vows!! We’ve been happily married for 13 years.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 12:26 am.
I can’t even begin to tell you what works and what doesn’t.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 12:44 am.
I would agree, all that does is save money and paperwork if they breakup, it won’t save their hearts.
Z
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 12:45 am.
I think that you just need to go on holiday together to see if you’re really compatible and, if not, whether you’re (both) committed enough to make the relationship work regardless. This works well if you go somewhere special, for example where there are choices of things to do and things to see!
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 2:57 am.
I could smack my husband almost everyday and the days where he is not pushing my buttons are pretty rare. We are in our tenth year of marriage and it is not that he has me under lock and key, chained up or anything similar. I could walk out if I wanted to, I earn my own money and we have no children (yet). I love him and he loves me and we hardly ever argue about really important stuff. It is usually the little silly things that piss me off and I have a short fuse. We didn’t live together before we got married and have spent our first year of marriage in a long distant relationship (Germany-Australia). I notice that we are dealing with exactly the same problems that friends of mine went through and they lived together for eight years before they married. I think it is what everyone makes out of it.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 8:10 am.
Your last line is true about everything in life, Manu. It is what we make it.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 9:39 am.
I’ve always said the same thing about commitment (and about living together as a trial for marriage). If it weren’t for commitment, I don’t think my husband and I (married 41 years) would have made it over some of our rough spots, and I imagine that is the case with most people who have enduring marriages.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 12:41 pm.
You’re completely on track. If you both decide to marry and stay married, you will, but both spouses must give 150% to the marriage.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 2:53 pm.
Friendship, Fidelity, Commitment and Integrity – whether you live together or married I believe a strong foundation is only going to allow you to build upon it.
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 4:39 pm.
The key to a good marriage is SACRIFICE on both parts. Most of the time it feels like I do all the sacrificing but I’m sure my husband would say it was him!
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 5:20 pm.
You have to have a commitmented relationship..Don’t walk away from each other stay talk..Every night tell each other I Love You..
Posted on February 15, 2013 at 6:42 pm.
I agree with you, I feel like if you live together you have no ties or commitment to each other. It’s very easy to just move out & move on, where as when you are married you share assets together, so you might tend to work things out instead of just saying “FORGET IT”. You have to file for the divorce or separation & then lawyers have to get involved.
I just feel you go into a relationship & move in with each other because you want the total package of commitment. Plus statistics say people that live with each other first are less like to stay together as married couple.
Posted on February 18, 2013 at 6:18 pm.
WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..extra wait .. …
Posted on April 9, 2013 at 11:42 pm.